Thursday, 20 September 2012
Yeah, told you this would be an honest blog! I feel incredibly...scared. Yes, scared to write this blog post. But I think it's time. Bulimia is horrible. Absolutely horrible. I try to stop myself and have gotten better at restraining myself from making myself sick by eating better and getting some exercise. But the fact of the matter is this very morning I felt guilty about eating a bowl of soup (I know, I know) so made myself sick. Wiping half digested soup from my mouth, I realised I no longer am "bothered" by the act of putting my hand down my throat and making myself retch. This is a terrifying thought. I've been making myself sick on and off since my last year of university. I can pinpoint the day actually. I had had a very stressful day of rehearsals and binged on a huge dinner and felt sick. I felt disgusting at the amount that I had ate and started to cry. I ran upstairs and made myself sick. I can say the correlation of making myself sick relates to how stressed I am. The more stressed I am, the more likely I am to make myself sick. I've never really opened up to anyone about it because of the very few people I have told, no one has really understood (this is acceptable, because I don't really understand myself why I do it. So. Imagine someone you know has opened up to you. They trust you enough to tell you about their condition. You don't really know what to say, as you can't imagine what they're going through. Going off what people have said to me in the past I present what to say and what not to say to someone who is talking to you about their Bulimia. Things NOT to say: "Oh my god, why are you doing this to yourself?" "But is it helping you loose weight, at least?" "Ergh I hate being sick, I can't imagine MAKING myself sick" Things TO say: "Thank you for telling me, how can I help you through this?" "Who else have you told?" "Do you know what you're going to do about it?" So yeah. Obviously this is from MY point of view, but everyone is different! I'd love to hear from anyone who has had their own experiences with opening up to people about their Bulimia (only if you're comfortable, obviously!)
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
My name is Anna, and i'm tired. Tired of avoiding my reflection in shop windows, tired of sweating so much on nights out that my make up runs and tired of aching knees. I'm tired of relying on food to cheer me up, tired of the huge drawer in my wardrobe filled with clothes I no longer can fit into and i'm tired of worrying about seeing my friends and what they'll think of my weight. Huge parts of me tell me not to care, huge parts of me tell me to have another doughnut, have another beer and take the car to places I easily could walk to. This morning I stepped on the scales and tipped them at 19 stone, 13 pounds. This is the fattest I have been since my first year of uni. I have battled with my weight for as long as I can remember, and as I exited the bathroom I caught my own eye in the mirror in the hallway. And I hated what I saw. Someone who had given up on their image. I cannot count the amount of times I have said "right, this time it shall be different, no really" then a week later find myself eating pizza saying "well, there's always tomorrow" So today I picked myself up and went swimming even though i'd had a "bad food day" and asked about gym prices. Tomorrow I shall join the gym and overcome my fear of exercising in public. This is a blog about a tired, fat, annoyed girl who wants to share her experiences in the dieting world. This is not a health kick, this is not a denial of my yearning to be thinner. This is an un-apologetic account of my weight loss.